5 Impractical Outfits worn by popular movie characters
Impractical outfits! We see them every day and don't hesitate to mock those who wear them. But we tend to give them a pass when it comes to entertainment.
Comic book and science fiction heroes (or villains) are undoubtedly cool to geeks like me (and you). And as happy consumers of brain-melting entertainment, suspension of disbelief is pretty much a given whenever these characters make an appearance in all their costumed glory.
When we see some bad-ass superhero donning a cool outfit, the first thought that pops into our heads would be: "Wow! That's pretty f*ckin' cool and I'd give half the money in my checking account, donate a kidney, sell my soul to the devil, and give up Cheese Doodles for a whole two hours if I could look that awesome!"
That thought is immediately followed by: "Hold on...would it make sense to wear that crap in the real life?"
You see, at our core, we humans (regardless of our level of geekery) are a truth-seeking bunch. As much as we want to believe BS like a big rubber bat costume being the key to kicking ass or that income redistribution works, deep down, we know better.
So here are a few examples of impractical outfits that might look cool, but would be utterly idiotic to utilize in the real world...
The Batsuit (From the 1989 Batman movie)
An old favorite. Sure, it looks really neat and cost a bazillion dollars to have it customized to fit Michael Keaton. But if some guy really decided to really put this thing on in an effort to rid the streets of petty thieves, murderers, and J-walkers, he'd probably hang it up and find a new hobby within a few minutes of stepping out the door.
For one thing, the Batsuit, as created by professional clothing designers, was made mostly out of latex. And that's a material that isn't known for mobility or breathing.
Michael Keaton told interviewers about how hot and uncomfortable the costume became, especially after having it on for hours on end. And since his head was hidden under a thick layer of rubber, he was physically unable to turn his neck to look around.
Keaton also had trouble hearing his fellow actors, and even seeing. Now imagine actually fighting while essentially being trapped inside a body-restricting condom. In other words, a crime fighter dressed as Batman would conceivably be about as effective as Hellen Keller in a barroom brawl.
And if you were to weigh down an already uncomfortable Batsuit with a protective armor such as kevlar, you'd probably blow your knee out chasing down the first vandal of the night. So if you're thinking of donning a bat suit that gives you the mobility to chase down evildoers and punch them in the face, Adam West's Batman costume from the 60s would probably (and sadly) be a more practical choice.
Wear this only if you're looking for a fight
Costume worn by Boba Fett in Star Wars
"What? The coolest-looking character in the Star Wars universe is on this silly impractical outfits list?" I hear you shriek. Bear with me and you'll soon realize that I'm right.
And no, I won't state the obvious by mentioning that any normal person wouldn't be able to see jack-shit through the helmet (although that's arguably true too).
If you remember from Return of the Jedi, the beloved bounty hunter wears a very cool jetpack on his back. But wait! Before your geek boner rips through your jeans at the thought of the memory, have a look at where the exhaust is located...
Near the seat of his pants.
Yeah. Shortly after take-off, Boba Fett will have the delicate task of constantly making sure he isn't burning himself a new orifice.
Oh, and what's that thing sticking straight out from the top of the jetpack? Why, it's a goddamn missile. As in a highly explosive projectile that can bring down a helicopter or easily blow up a vehicle the size of the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo.
By now we have to wonder what the hell Boba Fett was smoking when he thought it'd be a good idea to attach a missile directly to a jetpack that runs on highly flammable fuel...and then go walking around in public with all that stuff strapped to him like it's no big deal.
But as far as impractical outfits go, it gets even dumber.
Al-Qaida won't even go near that thing
In ROTJ we get to see just how easy it is to ignite the jetpack by accident. This simple fact is made painfully clear when a blind Harrison Ford turns around and knocks into the "on" button located right above Boba's right ass cheek.
And before you know it, the most notorious bounty hunter in the galaxy goes flying through the air like a flaming fart. As if that wasn't embarrassing enough, he crashes to the ground and gets eaten alive by an angry vagina.
Load lifting exoskeleton from Aliens
At the climax of James Cameron's Aliens, we're treated to a showdown involving the mother alien and Sigourney Weaver, who's hopped into an awesome-looking exoskeleton designed to move heavy cargo (such as extra-large FedEx boxes chocked full of porn).
So what makes this one of the impractical outfits? Well, for one thing it's really clumsy and the peripheral vision isn't so great. On a busy day, you could easily injure one of your co-workers by accident. And the exoskeleton is limited by the shape of whatever it is you're trying to move (where a simple forklift could do the job more safely).
For instance, that contraption could conceivably lift 570 lbs, which is the weight of a Steinway Model M grand piano. But moving an object that has a strange shape, such as a grand piano, would be a difficult, if not impossible, task (even if there were two exoskeleton operators working together).
And I'm going to go out on a limb to say that transporting those exoskeletons to wherever the grand piano is being delivered would be an ordeal in and of itself.
But beyond thinking of certain objects that this thing wouldn't be able to handle, not to mention the hazard of simply navigating uneven surfaces, let's think about human nature. If those exoskeleton things ever became a reality, the temptation for two guys to get in them and have a friendly wrestling match would be awfully hard to resist. And then there'd be the inevitable lawsuits, insurance claim nightmares, horrible injuries, etc.
What a headache. So let's just say that the exoskeleton loader would be best suited for fighting scary monsters. But it looks like I've written this article too late- apparently, engineers are already working on making them for real...
Asian dads: humanity's last hope against rampaging aliens...
He's here to serve and protect. He is every criminal's nightmare and is practically indestructible. But after he cleans up the streets of Detroit, he becomes...
...a heavily armored beat cop. Is all that metal and firepower necessary when it comes to issuing traffic tickets and busting some guy urinating in public?
And what if a perp decides to run? Or what if he tries to go after some kid's lost dog? Robocop probably averages a groundspeed that's barely on par with the fat kid in your gym class.
You are under arrest- you have the right to pull my finger
And as great as Robocop is at what he does, the budget necessary to keep him running would mean that a bunch of other police officers would have to be laid off.
Although he has the capability to fulfill just about any police role (except undercover work, unless a group of home appliances are planning a robbery), he'd be right at the center of many inter-departmental conflicts.
And are cyborgs eligible to join the police union? Or is that up to the I.T. department?
So what qualifies the Predator as having one of these impractical outfits? Well, the costume in and of itself doesn't seem problematic (other than the fact that he doesn't have shoes).
But if I can stretch my reasoning a bit, I'd have to say that the Predator's ability to turn invisible is what makes him a dumbass.
At least no one will notice my ridiculous underwear
Yes, stealth is a great advantage to have. But turning completely invisible? Sure, it's cool for about three seconds until you realize you can't see what the hell your hands are doing...or how far apart your feet are when you're about to take a death defying leap down your enemy's chimney.
Maybe they didn't hear that...
Plus, when the Predator is invisible all his weapons are invisible too! Need to get your extra-sharp spear prepared for a delicious impaling? Wait a sec. Which is the pointy end again?
Need to set your laser beam thingy from low to hi? Hold on. I can't find the setting knob. In fact, I'm not even sure where it's aiming. For all I know it can be pointed down my pants.
Oh sh*t. Why's the "turn off invisibility" button right next to the "self destruct" switch?? Damn you Microsoft!