Hollywood remakes and reboots are a recurring trend these days. With an industry that's known for running out of ideas faster than a tax & spend liberal, taking an old show from way back then and glossing it up with modern day special effects is a formula that isn't likely to stop.
Sometimes it works, and sometimes the results are the cinematic equivalent of Lindsay Lohan's last attempt at rehab. Although I haven't picked up an issue of the Hollywood Reporter in a long time, I'm taking a guess at what the geniuses in Southern CA might be thinking up.
Some of my ideas could be way off, but given the fact that dreck such as GI Joe and When a Stranger Calls somehow made it to the big screen, my ideas might actually seem like they came from the mind of a sober person after all. So here's my list of completely plausible Hollywood Remakes and/or Reboots, which might come to frightening life right before your very eyes:
Why they'll remake it: Spielberg's classic shark tale is damn near iconic. Just about everyone thinks of the world's scariest-looking fake shark whenever they take a dip in the ocean or even the pool. So with a universally recognizable product (and music score) and access to cutting edge digital technology, Hollywood is poised to create a new, improved fake-looking shark out of CG instead of rubber.
They'll make the newer version faster paced, gorier, and with a bigger explosion of shark guts and chest hair at the end. And as a nod to one of the shitty sequels the original spawned, they'll probably shoot it in 3D. Hey, it can't be any worse than the updated Piranha movie, and if anything it'll help maintain interest in the Universal Studios tram ride.
Whom it might star: George Clooney or Hugh Jackman (as Chief Martin Brody), Gerard Butler (as Sam Quint), and Sam Worthington (as Matt Hooper)
Looks like I'll need a bigger hoop for him to jump through...
The Black Hole
Why they'll remake it: Disney brought back Tron and the results were pretty good. Well, at least it worked out better than the last Love Bug movie.
So as long as Disney's on a nostalgia bender, why not gamble on another big budget sci-fi adventure (even if it does have a title that can be easily mistaken for a porno)? In all honesty, the original Black Hole had a (somewhat) decent story, script, and some genuine suspense. The major flaw, however, was in the directing.
The actors, with the exception of Maximilian Schell and two robots (of all things), were about as lively as burnt driftwood. And who in their right mind decided to cast Anthony Perkins in a film meant for kids?
This would be a relatively easy one to fix up as a solid thriller - they'd just have to make the robots look cooler, get rid of the crappy ESP plot device from the original, and film an ending that makes sense to those who of us who haven't tried LSD.
Whom it might star: Christopher Lee (as Dr. Hans Reinhardt), Pierce Brosnan (as Capt. Dan Holland), Michael C. Hall (as Lt. Charles Pizer, because he looks and has similar mannerisms to the original actor who played that character), Kate Beckinsale (as Dr. McCrae), John Malkovich (as Dr. Alex Durant), and Simon Pegg (as the voice of V.I.N.C.E.N.T)
According to Walt Disney, bearded Germans are never to be trusted!
Why they'll remake it: Why the hell not? If Yogi Bear can have his own damn movie, then why not this guy? State-of-the-art CG will give Woody the ability to annoy us in ways that we never thought possible.
And as far as stories go, all the writers have to do is come up with yet another shallow plot involving greedy land developers who want to take over a nature area (where the annoying bird lives).
With a protagonist who's known for causing chaos and has a name that provides a never-ending supply of dick jokes, I don't see how Hollywoodpeckers (ha ha, see?) could resist.
Whom it might star: Bob Hoskins (as potential greedy land developer)
Irreversible childhood trauma in 3...2...1...
Why they'll remake it: Hollywood did a decent job the first time Dragnet was brought to the big screen, and you'll remember it as an entertaining romp starring Dan Aykroyd and a pre-Da Vinci Code Tom Hanks. But the 80s are far behind us now and the entertainment industry is constantly seeking a a whole new level of stupid.
And with the recent spate of TV series-to-movie adaptations, they're apt to try again. And again. And again. In no time they'll make Joe Friday indistinguishable from his original self with the addition of crazy car chases, bad one-liners, and repeated blows to the crotch area.
Whom it might star: Steve Carrell (as Friday), Jason Statham (as his intentionally mismatched partner so it's sure to be goofy/insane buddy cop movie too)
Before they called it police brutality, it was simply known as "being neighborly."
Why they'll remake it: Because if rebooting Star Trek worked, then by golly maybe rebooting more cheesy sci-fi shows could work too!
More lasers, faster ships, bigger boobs, and a grittier storyline are sure to turn this into an instant hit (or provide fresh material for SNL). And watch for the avalanche of product tie-ins, like video games, toys, books, and inappropriately sexy Halloween costumes for kids.
Whom it might star: Brad Pitt (as Buck Rogers), Jennifer Garner (as Wilma Deering)
Boy, what I'd give to trade places with the Colonel's joystick...
The Last Starfighter
Why they'll remake it: Because remaking a movie that was kind of a Star Wars rip-off to begin with seems like a very Hollywood thing to do. It's a basic underdog story where the good guys win and the bad guys die horrible deaths (or at least their acting careers do).
And let's not forget one of the movie's greatest lessons: That wasting countless hours playing video games will some day lead to saving the galaxy and bagging a really hot girlfriend. I guess certain nerd fantasies, like mysterious itching/burning sensations, never seem to go away.
Whom it might star: We could see either Michael Cera, Justin Long, or Shia LaBeouf (as Alex Rogan) in the lead...
Star Wars? X-Wings? The Millennium Falcon? Nope. Never heard of them...
So that's my list of Hollywood remakes which might just find their way into your local theater. Protect your brain (and other parts)! You've been warned!